When You Love someone, Check Your Triggers First .

A gentle reminder that self-awareness is an act of love too.

Hello Besties,

Let me tell you something I’ve had to learn (and keep relearning) in relationships:

Not every time I’m angry, it means he did something wrong.

This one hit me hard.

Because sometimes, I feel upset, irritated, or withdrawn—and my first instinct is to point the finger: “He must have done something.”

But lately, I’ve been catching myself.

I’m realizing that what I’m feeling isn’t always about him.

Sometimes, it’s just me being overstimulated, hungry, tired, anxious, stressed, or hormonal.

And other times, it’s me carrying the weight of unspoken expectations or unresolved wounds.

When Emotions Start Lying

Here’s what I’ve come to understand: emotions are valid, but they’re not always true.

They are signals. Clues.

But they are not facts.

Just because I feel neglected doesn’t mean he actually neglected me.

Just because I feel angry doesn’t mean he hurt me.

It’s uncomfortable to admit, but I’ve had to own it: some of my reactions are misplaced.

I’ve projected frustration from other areas of my life onto someone who genuinely means well.

Invalid Anger Is Real

There’s a type of anger that has nothing to do with the person in front of you.

I call it invalid anger.

It comes when:

• I’m emotionally tired but don’t know how to say so.

• I have expectations I never voiced but wanted him to read my mind.

• I’m frustrated by life, work, my body, or even just Lagos traffic.

• I’m scared of needing him too much, so I pull away and mask it as anger.

It’s never pretty. And it’s never fair to him.

I’ve Been on Both Sides

I’ve felt invalid anger.

But I’ve also been on the receiving end of it.

When someone lashes out at you and you know deep down you didn’t do anything, it leaves you confused and defensive.

You start questioning your presence. You pull back. You create emotional distance.

And I never want to make someone I love feel that way—especially someone who didn’t earn it.

So Now I Pause

I ask myself:

• Is this reaction truly about him, or is it about how I’m feeling in general?

• Have I eaten today? Slept well? Been overwhelmed?

• Have I communicated what I actually need?

Because sometimes, what I need is not to fight.

What I need is food. A hug. A nap. A moment to cry. Space to think. Reassurance.

Sometimes I just need to say that I’m not okay—without making it his fault.

This Is What Loving Grown Looks Like

Self-awareness is not just some buzzword. In relationships, it’s a form of love.

Taking responsibility for your emotions is a kindness. It gives room for safety and real connection.

Love becomes lighter when we stop making every feeling their fault.

So no, I don’t get it right every time. Sometimes I still snap.

But I’m learning to catch myself faster, apologize better, and communicate more clearly.

Because I want love that’s safe.

Love that doesn’t walk on eggshells.

Love that knows: we’re on the same team—even when it gets messy.

Let’s Talk

Have you ever realized you were upset with your partner—but the issue was actually you not being okay?

How did you handle it? What helped?

I’d love to hear your thoughts. Hit reply or leave a comment. Let’s have honest conversations around emotional growth and love that feels safe.

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With softness,

Olamide ❤️